Live Like You're Dying
by Collegekid2006
Summary: When Henry gets some bad news from his doctor, his world is thrown into a tailspin. How will he cope? How will he tell Shawn? A series of song fics, one for each chapter.
1. Chapter 1

_Chapter 1 song:_ _Breaking the Habit by Linkin Park_

**Memories consume  
Like opening the wound**

Even from his bedroom, Henry could hear the front door slamming behind Shawn.

"Dad! I'm here!" He called up the stairs.

For a moment, Henry didn't answer.

"Dad!"

"Yeah, Shawn." He called down finally before Shawn decided to come looking for him, his voice sounding oddly hushed even though he was yelling loud enough to be heard through his closed door and down the stairs.

"I'm here."

******I'm picking me apart again  
You all assume  
I'm safe here in my room  
Unless I try to start again**

Henry tapped his pocket for the fiftieth time, making sure the envelope was still there.

Of course it was still there.

It wasn't going anywhere.

He sighed and opened his door, glancing at himself one last time in the mirror before finally heading down the stairs to face his son.

******  
I don't want to be the one  
The battles always choose  
'Cause inside I realize  
That I'm the one confused**

Henry almost didn't do it…

He almost couldn't do it.

In his entire life, Henry Spencer had never told his son with something was wrong.

He never told anyone when something was wrong.

But this time was different…

This time, he couldn't face it alone.

This time, he didn't want to face it alone.

**********I don't know what's worth fighting for  
Or why I have to scream  
I don't know why I instigate  
And say what I don't mean**

**********I don't know how I got this way  
I know it's not alright  
So I'm breaking the habit  
I'm breaking the habit  
Tonight**

"What's up, Dad?" Shawn asked when Henry entered the kitchen.

"Nothing." Henry shrugged, but he could already see Shawn didn't believe him.

"Dad, you only ever ask me over to dinner without Gus when you want me to do chores or so you can yell at me…so, which is it this time?"

Henry hesitated, but Shawn's searching gaze wasn't going to let him off the hook this time.

"You didn't clear out the attic like you promised." He growled finally, his stomach lurching even as the accusation flew out of his mouth and slapped Shawn across the face.

It wasn't what he wanted to say…

It wasn't what he needed to say…

But right here, right now…

It was all he could say.

Shawn looked stunned by the blow.

"What?"

"Your crap in the attic, Shawn! You said you'd clear it out!"

"I did!"  
"No, you didn't!"

"What the hell are you talking about? I cleaned the attic last summer!" Shawn insisted, looking baffled.

"Then why can't I take two steps into _my_ attic without tripping over boxes of your damn toys?" Henry demanded, grabbing a beer out of the fridge and storming into the dining room, leaving an enraged, confused Shawn alone in the kitchen.

Before he left, he put a beer on the kitchen table for Shawn.

**************Clutching my cure  
I tightly lock the door  
I try to catch my breath again  
I hurt much more  
Than anytime before  
I had no options left again**

Henry sipped his beer and glanced down at his watch.

It had been three minutes since he'd left Shawn alone in the kitchen…

_He saw the envelope…_

_He must have…I put his beer right on top of it…_

_He's reading it now…_

_The kid never could leave mail alone…_

He sighed and tried not to think about Shawn's face…tried not to picture his reaction.

He tried not to think about the conversation they were about to have…he _tried_, but there was nothing else to think about.

**************I don't want to be the one  
The battles always choose  
'Cause inside I realize  
That I'm the one confused**

Shawn followed his father into the dining room a few minutes later, looking pale.

In his slightly trembling fingers he carried the envelope.

"Were you planning on telling me?" He demanded quietly.

"What the hell are you doing reading my mail?" Henry shot back, snatching it out of his son's hand.

"Don't give me that!" Shawn shouted. "You _wanted_ me to see it! We both know that!"

"I did not!"

"You left it on the table! And that's not even the point!"

"Then what the hell is the point, Shawn?"

Their eyes locked, and for a long moment neither of them spoke.

"How long?" Shawn asked finally.

Henry shrugged.

"I don't know."

******************I don't know what's worth fighting for  
Or why I have to scream  
I don't know why I instigate  
And say what I don't mean  
I don't know how I got this way  
I'll never be alright  
So, I'm breaking the habit  
I'm breaking the habit  
Tonight  
I'll paint it on the walls  
'Cause I'm the one at fault  
I'll never fight again  
And this is how it ends**

Shawn stared at his father, his eyes wide.

"You don't know? And you weren't even going to tell me?"

"Tell you _what_, Shawn?" Henry asked, sighing as he pushed past his son back into the kitchen.

"That you're dying!"

"No. I wasn't going to tell you."

Shawn followed Henry, still fuming.

"Then why did you leave your damn test results out on the table for me to find?"

"I don't know."

"Yes, you do!"

Henry spun back around, his eyes burrowing into Shawn's.

"Because I wasn't going to tell you. I couldn't tell you."

Shawn blinked slowly, still trying to wrap his head around this.

**********************I don't know what's worth fighting for  
Or why I have to scream  
But now I have some clarity  
to show you what I mean  
I don't know how I got this way  
I'll never be alright  
So, I'm breaking the habit**

"I don't have any cases this week." Shawn said finally, after another few minutes of silence.

"So?" Henry snorted, grabbing another beer.

"So...I haven't been fishing in a while…"

Henry almost smiled.

He could never show it, but he was glad it was out in the open.

For once, he was glad not the be facing it alone.

"I was going to take the boat out this weekend." He shrugged. "You can come if you want."

"Yeah." Shawn nodded. "I'll come."

**********************I'm breaking the habit  
Tonight**


	2. Chapter 2

_The song: The Little Things Give You Away, Linkin Park  
_

**Water gray**

**Through the windows  
Up the stairs**

**Chilling rain**

**Like an ocean  
Everywhere.  
Don't want to reach for me, do you?  
I mean nothing to you**

Shawn watched Henry's face as they sat silently in the boat, their lines bobbing in the water.

He looked for some sign of the inner-struggle he knew his father was going through, but he couldn't see anything.

No worry creases in his forehead.

No lines around his eyes.

Nothing.

For all intents and purposes, Henry Spencer seemed fine.

Nothing in the world was wrong.

******The Little Things Give You Away**

Shawn felt a tug on his line and quickly began to reel it in.

By the time he had it back to the boat, however, the fish had escaped.

He shrugged and cast off again.

He didn't care about the damn fish, anyway.

When he looked back up, his father was watching him intently.

Shawn met his gaze, and for once Henry didn't look away.

For once, he didn't try to play it off, didn't try to pretend like he wasn't watching his son.

For once, he just kept watching.

**********And now there will be no mistaking  
The levees are breaking**

Even as their eyes locked, neither of them spoke.

There wasn't anything to say.

Not yet.

For now, looking was enough.

**************All you've ever wanted  
Was someone to truly look up to you  
And six feet under water  
I do**

After a few silent minutes, Henry finally tore his gaze away from Shawn's and turned his attention back to the water.

But Shawn couldn't go back to fishing.

Not yet.

Not when he knew there was still so much left to say.

Not when he knew his father would never be the one to say it.

******************Hope decays  
Generations disappear**

******************Washed away.  
As a nation simply stares  
Don't want to reach for me, do you?  
I mean nothing to you**

"Dad…" he started, not sure how the sentence was going to end even as it began to find its way out his mouth.

"Huh?" Henry grunted, pretending to be surprised by the impending conversation.

Shawn hesitated before continuing.

"Do you remember when I was seven and you lost your badge?"

Henry glanced up from his pole, his eyebrows raising.

"You mean the badge you swore up and down the neighbor's dog ate?"

**********************The Little Things Give You Away**

"Yeah…" Shawn nodded. "That badge."

"Of course I remember losing that badge, Shawn. I had to requisition a new one. I looked like a complete idiot. Why?"

"Well…"

Henry was looking at his son again, but now it was with an accusatory glare.

"What, Shawn?" He growled.

"I took it."

**************************But now there will be no mistaking  
The levees are breaking**

"You _took_ it?" Henry shouted, forgetting his own rule about keeping quiet on the boat so as not to scare away the fish. "You _stole_ my badge?"

"I was seven!"

"I don't care! What the hell did you do with it?"

Shawn just shrugged.

"Just…kept it. In my sock drawer."

"Why?"

"Because…"

******************************All you've ever wanted  
Was someone to truly look up to you  
And six feet under water  
I do**

Their eyes were locked again.

"_Because_ isn't an answer, Shawn!" Henry snapped.

Shawn sighed.

"Because…I wanted it, Dad. I wanted a badge. Just like yours."

Henry blinked and slowly lowered his pole.

"You did?"

"I used to look at it all the time…I used to dream about being a cop. Just like you."

**********************************All you've ever wanted  
Was someone to truly look up to you  
And six feet under water  
I do**

For a long moment, Henry didn't say anything.

Finally, he shrugged.

"You were a kid." He muttered.

"I know…" Shawn agreed, reaching into his pocket. "...And I never got my own badge…but I still have yours."

He tossed the small, metallic object across the boat to his father.

Henry stared down at it in dumbfounded silence, then looked back up at his son.

"You kept it?"

Shawn shrugged.

"I don't clean out my sock drawer that often. I still have Halloween candy from 1989 in there somewhere. I just thought you might want this back."

**********************************The Little Things Give You Away**

Henry's finger traced the grooves in the cool metal.

Finally, he handed it back to Shawn.

"I don't need it, Kid." He mumbled, and for the first time Shawn thought he saw a trace of regret cross his father's face. "Not anymore."

"Okay." Shawn shrugged, returning it to his pocket. "Then I guess I'll put it back in my sock drawer."

Henry nodded and turned his attention back to his pole.

Shawn smiled and slowly began to draw his line in again.

He pretended not to notice Henry watching him out of the corner of his eye.


	3. Chapter 3

**If you just walked away  
What could I really say?  
Would it matter, anyway?  
Would it change how you feel?**

It happened so subtly that Henry barely noticed.

It started with Shawn crashing on the couch for one night after he came over for dinner, just because he was too tired to drive his bike back to his apartment.

But the next day, he didn't leave.

Or the day after that.

He went to work during the day, of course, but he never went home after.

Whether Henry asked him to dinner or not, whether Henry wanted him to or not, he came over every night.

**  
I am the mess you chose  
The closet you cannot close  
The devil in you, I suppose  
Cause the wounds never heal**

It didn't occur to Henry what had happened until he went into the bathroom one morning, and Shawn's toothbrush was there.

As he stared down at it, still soaking wet as it lay on the sink, it struck him.

Shawn had moved back in.

_Why the hell did do that…?_ Henry wondered, suddenly remembering the duffle bag full of clothes in the corner of his living room and the motorcycle in his driveway.

_…Why the hell would he move back in…?_

Even as he asked himself the question, however, he already knew the answer.

_He's back because I need him…_

_Once I start chemo, I'll need him…_

**But everything changes if I could  
turn back the years, if you could  
learn to forgive me then I could  
learn to feel**

Henry's thoughts were interrupted by the sound of someone trying to start a lawn mower in his front yard.

He could hear it outside, sputtering and struggling pathetically until it finally roared to life.

He glanced out the window curiously, wondering who the hell was mowing at 7 o'clock in the morning.

It was Shawn.

Henry watched silently for a few minutes as his son sang along to whatever song was pulsing through his iPod, pushing the mower in neat, perfect rows back and forth across the lawn.

Just the way Henry had taught him to…

**Sometimes the things I say  
in moments of disarray  
succumbing to the games we play  
to make sure that it's real**

Henry tried to smile as the memories came flooding back….

The endless hours teaching Shawn how to mow the lawn the right way…

Neat, perfect rows…

Not squares.

Not triangles.

Not zigzags.

Neat, perfect rows.

He could almost hear Shawn's whine, almost see him rolling his eyes and huffing.

_"But rows are so boring, Dad! Why can't I do a spiral? Or a zigzag? Or a pineapple!"_

**  
But everything changes if I could  
turn back the years, if you could  
learn to forgive me then I could  
learn to feel**

The memories stung, but at least they were better than thinking about the present…better than thinking about the reason Shawn was outside at 7 AM mowing his lawn…better than thinking about why Henry wasn't out there mowing it himself.

_I can't do it anymore…_

_I'm too tired…_

_It hurts too much…_

_I can't mow my own damn lawn…_

_I need Shawn to do it for me…_

**  
When it's just me and you  
who knows what we could do  
if we can just make it through  
the toughest part of the day**

When Shawn finally finished and came back in, Henry was sitting at the table eating breakfast.

_Pretending_ to eat breakfast, really.

He wasn't even remotely hungry.

Shawn grabbed a donut off the counter and collapsed into a chair across from his father.

Neither of them spoke until Henry got up to get himself another cup of coffee.

******Everything changes if I could  
turn back the years if you could  
learn to forgive me then I could  
learn how to feel, then we could  
stay here together and we could  
conquer the world if we could  
say that forever is more then just a word**

"I was going to get to the lawn this weekend." He lied, turning back to his son.

"Yeah." Shawn shrugged, going with the fib. "I know. I just figured I'd do it before I went to work."

Henry dropped his mug on the table, not meeting Shawn's eyes as he slid back into his seat.

"Thanks." He mumbled.

"Sure."

Shawn checked his watch and stood up, downing the rest of his coffee with a single gulp.

"I should go," he said. "I told Gus I'd be there by 9."

He slowly made his way to the door, not looking back once.

"Shawn." Henry called after him, stopping his son just as he reached the door.

"What?"

Henry hesitated.

******If you just walked away  
What could I really say?  
Would it matter anyway?  
It wouldn't change how you feel?**

"Are you coming home tonight?"

"Yeah, Dad." Shawn nodded quietly. "I'll be back tonight."


	4. Chapter 4

_The Song: Leave Out All The Rest, Linkin Park_

**I dreamed I was missing.**

**You were so scared  
But no one would listen**

**'cause no one else cared **

Henry stared blankly at the floor in front of him.

He knew this was coming…for months now, he had known this moment was coming…but the shock of it still cut through his body like a knife.

He finally had a number.

**  
After my dreaming, I woke with this fear  
What am I leaving when I'm done here?**

"Four months?" He repeated for no particular reason.

He knew he had heard the doctor right the first time.

The doctor nodded, leaning back in his chair.

"Tops. I'm sorry, Henry."

"Are you sure?"

"Sure enough that I'm going to recommend you stop chemo. We're past the point where it's going to increase your quality of life. There's…"

He paused for a moment, collecting the words and assembling them in his mind before uttering the one phrase Henry didn't want to hear.

"There's no point anymore, Henry. I'm sorry."

**So if you're asking me, I want you to know  
When my time comes**

**Forget the wrong that I've done  
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed  
Don't resent me**

**And when you're feeling empty  
Keep me in your memory**

**Leave out all the rest**

He knew the doctor was right, of course.

He'd known it all along.

There was no point anymore.

No point feeling perpetually nauseous and weak, no point making the trips to the hospital just so he could sit around all day with a needle in his arm…

It didn't matter anymore.

"Go home, Henry." The doctor had told him. "For as long as you can…"

Don't be afraid******  
I've taken my beating**

******I've shared what I made**

Shawn was waiting for him in the truck when he finally left the hospital.

Henry didn't say anything to him as he got into the passenger seat and shut the door.

He cringed as he caught a glimpse of himself in the side mirror…pale, gaunt…too tired to drive his own damn truck…

If it was possible, he looked even crappier than he felt.

**********I'm strong on the surface, not all the way through  
I've never been perfect**

**********But neither have you**

He didn't have to say anything to Shawn.

One sidelong glance at his father and he knew everything except the exact number.

For most of the drive back to the house, they rode in complete silence.

As if not talking about it might make it all just go away.

"What'd he say?" Shawn asked finally.

"Four months."

"Oh."

**************  
So if you're asking me, I want you to know  
When my time comes, forget the wrong that I've done  
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed  
Don't resent me**

**************And when you're feeling empty  
Keep me in your memory**

**************Leave out all the rest  
Leave out all the rest**

But, for once, "Oh" wasn't enough for Henry.

For once, he wanted more.

He needed more.

"Shawn…"

"Huh?"

Henry stopped.

What the hell was he supposed to say?

How was he supposed to say in four months everything he hadn't been able to say in thirty-five years?

******************  
Forgetting all the hurt inside you've learned to hide so well  
Pretending someone else can come and save me from myself  
I can't be who you are**

"What?" Shawn pressed when Henry remained silent a few moments too long.

Suddenly, Henry knew what to say.

"I would've left, too, Kid."

Shawn glanced over at him, apparently not expecting to hear that.

"What?"

"I would've left, too, Shawn."

Shawn blinked, his fingers drumming absently on the steering wheel.

"I came back…eventually." He replied quietly.

"I know…I'm just saying. I would've left, too."

**********************When my time comes, forget the wrong that I've done  
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed  
Don't resent me**

**********************And when you're feeling empty  
Keep me in your memory, leave out all the rest  
Leave out all the rest**

Shawn shook his head, a pale smile spreading across his face.

"No, you wouldn't have, Dad."

Now it was Henry's turn to be surprised.

"Shawn--"

**************************Forgetting all the hurt inside you've learned to hide so well  
Pretending someone else can come and save me from myself  
I can't be who you are**

"Dad."

Shawn's voice was firm now as he turned to his father.

"What?"

"You wouldn't have left."

For a minute, Henry didn't know what to say.

"How the hell do you know?" He growled finally.

Shawn just shrugged, turning his eyes back to the road ahead.

"Because. You didn't leave, Dad. You never left."

******************************I can't be who you are**


	5. Chapter 5

_The Song: So Far Away, Staind_

**This is my life, it's not what it was before  
All these feelings I've shared  
And these are my dreams  
That I'd never lived before  
Somebody shake me  
'Cause I**

**I must be sleepin'**

Henry couldn't escape the feeling now.

As he sat on his front porch that night, watching the sun setting lazily over his yard, he was overcome by an emotion he hadn't felt in 35 years…not since the day Shawn was born…

The intense, all-consuming desire to freeze a single moment in time.

**Now that we're here, it's so far away  
All the struggle we thought was in vain  
And all the mistakes one life contained  
They all finally start to go away**

**And now that we're here, it's so far away  
And I feel like I can face the day  
And I can't forget that I'm not ashamed  
To be the person that I am today**

What surprised him more than the actual emotion, however, was the fact that the desire to freeze this moment in time wasn't born from a fear of his inevitable future.

It wasn't born from trepidation or the regrets of some life he hadn't lived.

It was born out of pure contentment.

For once in his life, he felt utterly, truly content.

**These are my words  
That I've never said before  
I think I'm doin' okay  
And this is the smile  
I've never shown before  
Somebody shake me  
'Cause I**

** I must be sleeping**

He leaned back in his chair and took a long, slow sip of his beer.

He'd always assumed that when this day came, he would have regrets.

He mentally ran over the omnipresent list of his life's mistakes…

All the things he should have done…

All the things he could have said….

All the things that, if given another chance, he would do differently….

But, somehow, even as he relived ever error he had ever made, he didn't regret any of them.

Not a single one.

**And now that we're here, it's so far away  
All the struggle we thought was in vain  
And all the mistakes one life contained  
They all finally start to go away**

**And now that we're here, it's so far away  
And I feel like I can face the day  
And I can't forget that I'm not ashamed  
To be the person that I am today**

He could hear the clatter of pots and pans being dropped all over the kitchen…

A sure sign Shawn was up to something…

A sure sign that second he went inside, he would be met by a huge mess…

_He's here…_Henry thought to himself, shaking his head in amusement as he tried not to imagine what the kid was doing to his kitchen.

_It took thirty-five years, but he's here…_

_How can I regret anything…?_

**I'm so afraid of waking  
Please don't shake me  
Afraid of waking  
Please don't shake me**

Shawn stuck his head out the back door.

"What the hell are you doing in there?" Henry demanded, looking up from his chair.

"Nothing." Shawn said quickly. "I'm…making toast…and on a completely unrelated topic, do you have a fire extinguisher?"

**Now that we're here, it's so far away  
All the struggle we thought was in vain  
And all the mistakes one life contained  
They all finally start to go away**

Henry rolled his eyes as Shawn disappeared again.

He reappeared a few moments later, jingling his father's truck keys.

"I'm going to get a pizza." He announced casually. "Do you want anything while I'm out?"

Henry shook his head slowly, a pale smile beginning to edge its way across his deeply-lined face.

"No, Kid…" He sighed, taking another long sip of beer. "I have everything I need."


	6. Chapter 6

_The Song: In-Between, Linkin Park_

**Let me apologize to begin with  
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say**

**But trying to be genuine was harder than it seemed  
And somehow I got caught up in between**

"What are you thinking about?" Gus asked, quietly grabbing a beer out of the cooler by Shawn's feet and taking a seat on the porch steps.

Shawn just shrugged.

"Nothing…"

He was lying, of course.

They both knew he was lying.

But they both also knew that there was no point in Gus pressing the issue until Shawn decided to talk about it.

**  
Let me apologize to begin with  
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say  
But trying to be someone else was harder than it seemed  
And somehow I got caught up in between**

They sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes, until Shawn let out a languid sigh.

"I was just thinking…" He started, but stopped himself before he completed the thought.

"What?"

"I don't know…"

"Yeah, you do."

******  
Between my pride and my promise  
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way  
And things I want to say to you get lost before they come  
The only thing that's worse than one is none**

Shawn set his beer on the porch and slowly stood up, stretching his arms towards the pink and orange sky before dropping them by his sides again.

"Do you remember what the fight was about, Gus?" He asked finally.

"What fight?"

"_The _fight…the one before I left."

"No. You never told me. You just…left. Why? What was it about?"

Shawn shrugged.

"I don't have a damn idea."

******Let me apologize to begin with  
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say  
But trying to regain your trust was harder than it seemed  
And somehow I got caught up in between**

"You don't remember?" Gus asked, his brow furrowing.

Shawn laughed.

Sort of…

It sounded like a laugh, but it rang out hollow and sad through the silent evening air.

"Nope. It was just one of a million fights we had all the time…But it was so important I was right that time…it seemed so important…"

Now it was Gus' turn to laugh.

"You know what that means, don't you?" He asked, grinning.

"What?"

"It means you're just like your old man."

**********Between my pride and my promise  
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way  
The things I want to say to you get lost before they come  
The only thing that's worse than one is none  
The only thing that's worse than one is none**

For a moment, Shawn stiffened.

Then he groaned, a grin breaking out across his face, too.

"Damn…how'd _that_ happen?"

Gus shrugged.

"Apples and trees, I guess…"

"But did I _have_ to be the apple?" Shawn moaned.

**********And I cannot explain to you  
And anything I say or do or plan  
Fear is not afraid of you  
But guilt's a language you can understand**

For a minute, neither of them spoke.

Finally, Shawn had to say something.

"What the hell am I supposed to say tomorrow, Gus?" He asked, staring vacantly out over the backyard.

"You don't have to say anything, Shawn."

"Yeah. I do."

**************I cannot explain to you  
And anything I say or do  
I hope the actions speak the words they can**

"I know what I'm supposed to say…" Shawn continued, finally blinking after a solid five minutes. "I know I'm supposed to forget everything about him that pissed me off…I know I'm supposed to forget that fight…forget that we spent the better part of the last thirty-five years fighting…but I can't."

"You don't have to, Shawn."

Shawn sighed again.

Gus just didn't understand.

"It's not that I _can't_, Gus. Not really…I don't _want_ to."

Gus looked up, perplexed.

"You don't _want_ to?"

"No…" Shawn shook his head. "I don't want to forget he was stubborn jackass. I don't want to forget he drove me nuts and rode my ass about being a cop and made me count stupid hats. If I forgot all that…it'd be like forgetting him. And I don't want to forget him."

******************For my pride and my promise  
For my lies and how the truth gets in the way**

******************The things I want to say to you get lost before they come  
The only thing that's worse than one is none.**

"You won't forget." Gus assured him.

"I know…"

Shawn slowly reached into his pocket, his finger running over the metallic grooves of a worn-out police badge.

"I know I won't…"

****************** The only thing that's worse than one is none.**


End file.
